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Irrfan on battling cancer: The only certain thing was uncertainty

It was in March this year that actor Irrfan revealed that he has been diagnosed with a neuroendocrine tumour. The news sent shock waves in Bollywood and among his fans. For many months his friends have respected his privacy and haven’t divulged much about the actor’s condition who is undergoing a treatment in London.

And now Irrfan for the first time has opened up on his battle with cancer and his current state of mind. The actor gave a glimpse into his ongoing journey – from state of shock to realisation to calmness.

In an interview to a leading daily, Irrfan talked about how life is as unexpected as it can get. At a time when he had dreams, goals and was pushing towards reaching them with the right of work, he met the unexpected – cancer.

“I had been in a different game, I was travelling on a speedy train ride, had dreams, plans, aspirations, goals, was fully engaged in them. And suddenly someone taps on my shoulder and I turn to see. It’s the TC: ‘Your destination is about to come. Please get down.’ I am confused: ‘No, no. My destination hasn’t come.’ ‘No, this is it. This is how it is sometimes.’ The suddenness made me realise how you are just a cork floating in the ocean with UNPREDICTABLE currents! And you are desperately trying to control it,” revealed Irrfan.

The actor revealed that it left him shocked, afraid and in panic. And at that time, he did not wanted fear and panic to overrule him and make him miserable.

“That was my INTENTION. AND THEN PAIN HIT. As if all this while, you were just getting to know pain, and now you know his nature and his intensity. Nothing was working; NO consolation, no motivation. The entire cosmos becomes one at that moment just PAIN, and pain felt more enormous than GOD,” continued Irrfan.

Even though Irrfan’s hospital was located on the opposite side of Lord’s stadium, the “Mecca of his childhood dreams”, the “pain and exhaustion” did not allow him to register it. Such was his state of mind.

“Once, while standing on the balcony of my hospital room, the peculiarity jolted me. Between the game of life and the game of death, there is just a road. On one side, a hospital, on the other, a stadium. As if one isn’t part of anything which might claim certainty neither the hospital, nor the stadium. That hit me hard. I was left with this immense effect of the enormous power and intelligence of the cosmos. The peculiarity of MY hospital’s location it HIT me. The only thing certain was the uncertainty. All I could do was to realise my strength and play my game better.”

Irrfan further revealed that he was ready to submit and surrender to the uncertainties irrespective of the outcome.

“For the first time, I felt what ‘freedom’ truly means. It felt like an accomplishment. As if I was tasting life for the first time, the magical side of it. My confidence in the intelligence of the cosmos became absolute. I feel as if it has entered every cell of mine. Time will tell if it stays, but that is how I feel as of now. A realisation that the cork doesn’t need to control the current. That you are being gently rocked in the cradle of nature,” added the actor.

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